video blog
Today as I sat in the shower, something came to mind. I was thinking about handicapped criminals. Why? I have no clue, though I do know that in some states mentally handicapped criminals have been given the death sentence for crimes they have committed. The argument being regardless of their level of intellect or understanding of their murderous crimes, they still committed the crime. So that got me to thinking even further about the types of handicapped crime that can happen.
Which led me to this thought. Can a blind person be a pedophile? Take a second and think about that for a moment. Could a blind person, whom was born blind and never has truly known what another person looks like be a pedophile? I mean yes they a blind person’s other senses are heightened but, how could you tell if a blind person was a pedophile? Whats the litmus test for this? Like if a young boy passes a blind person, we can’t catch the blind person checking out the young person bottom, or staring at the young child as they walk by.
Blind people supposedly have a heightened sense of smell. So let’s say this young person walks by them smelling of Johns & Johnson baby shampoo and they get a hard on, is that the first clue? Like if someone is standing there with them as the young person walks by, do they say to the blind person, “Mr Roberts! did you just get an erection from that young child walking by? and the blind person could lie and say ” No, of course not I’m blind and I did not even know there was a child near by. Honest Ms Jones, I got erect because I smelled your perfume and I have always been attracted to you and, your kindness.” Then he ends up having sex with Ms Jones just to cover his tracks, the whole time thinking of that sweet baby shampoo smelling child.
I know your all thinking that is just sick! It’s not, I just have never heard of a blind pedophile, ever in my life but, I am sure they are 0ut there. If we cured blindness all blind people, I mean once they could see, don’t you think a bunch of them would stop dating the people they are with based solely on looks? Let us be honest here. How many times have you gotten drunk and put the beer goggles on and regretted waking up to some sea turtle of a human being the next day. So imagine being blind, where all you have is your other senses to go by, never knowing what a person truly looks like.
People have said oh they know what people look like by their sense of touch. Really? I mean if you have never seen a human face, how do you conceptualize a human face? How can you imagine something you have never seen? So I am pondering this very much. I mean it’s not like they can get busted downloading kiddie porn from the Internet, they can’t fucking see it. I mean maybe they could download the sounds of kiddie porn but, is that enough to get off on? Not for me but, I mean you do tend to work with what you have handy. Like, I couldn’t see myself masturbating to how someone smells, or to the sound of them moaning. Maybe I am just a visual person, I don’t know. I do know that this is a weird train of thought for me. About as weird as that thought I had when i was a kid, wondering if I told my cousin to stick that fork in the electric outlet, if he could gain super electric powers or did I just not like my cousin that much lol.
Now, the last thoughts I have on this is, thank goodness we do not have any blind pedophiles, cause that would just be weird and probably very messy. Then I thought a poor blind person could mistakenly be thought to be a pedophile if, he accidentally knocked a kid over and his seeing eye dog humped the kid mercilessly but, is that really a crime? Dogs will hump anybody, even someones old nasty grandmother, who smells like rotten butter and the tears of orphans.
Maybe we can test blind a person to see if they may be a pedophile by designing an all nude, braille pop up book, filled with nothing but naked children. Yet again though, the blind person could say, ” hey I’m not a pedophile,I am just studying child anatomy because, I want to be a pediatrician one day.” Then you would say” but, you have a hard on Mr blind person, wtf?” Then they could yet again counter with something cute like, “ they don’t call it a pop up book for nothing hahaha,” this blind pedophile is now using charm and his handicap to get away with his child lust, yet again.
In closing, just cause someone is handicapped do not underestimate their ability to be a sex freak or, a criminal. Why? I have no clue, maybe my mom shouldn’t have been on L.S.D. and Mushrooms during her pregnancy with me. Like I said, these were just some weird thoughts
Till Next time
Mark
The Day After Christmas
The day after Christmas or just about any holiday of significance brings with it many little curious events and things. Today I discovered I hate potatoes orgroton. I think my colon is now rotten with the ogroton but, they are delicious, do not get me wrong but, they are a bitch to clean out of dishes and, the pot is even worse to clean. It gets all gooey and nasty over night, and sticks to the inside of a pot like gorilla glue and camel gizz. The next days clean up after a holiday is the part that sucks but, if your luck to have good company like I did it is not that bad. Though it has taken a good portion of my day, it could have been far worse.
The other thing I notice about major holidays are the sales. It seems they say there are huge sales happening before the holidays but, in truth you save more money buying after the major holiday is over. What is that about? I mean why not just give you the best deal before the holidays when your all excited about buying stuff. It’s like here is a partial deal but, if you wait till after the holiday you will get an even bigger deal! In all seriousness I think I am going to become the late gift giver, there is nothing wrong in giving a late gift is there?
Women tend to be all excited about the sales, coupons, and after holiday sales events, that they plan out their shopping trips as if they are tank battalion commanders. They get all ready, they even set aside extra special shopping outfits. Usually loose fitting clothing, like a comfy sweat suit or, a pair of old jeans and their favorite college sweat shirt pull over. Of course there is always a slight hint of style, like a pair of gold hoop earrings, or a simple gold necklace. Why? cause it shows they can afford the next level of shopping, though they are dressed down. They have to let you know they have funds and are here to spend.
The worse type of after holiday shopper is, the returner. Ahh yes, this beast of burden has come to return a gift they have deemed not good enough and will use the store credit to buy something they truly will like or, ten of them. These are not hard to spot they usually either rush the the cashier to get their return status in order or, they shop around first to pick out what they are going to get with their store credit. Also these returners, are usually and sadly a little nasty. Why? because it is huge burden to them to have to return the gift you gave them. Like how dare you get me something I didn’t like! Even though when you asked them what they wanted they said some bullshit line like “Oh hun, anything will do and make me happy.” These selfish asses, always return what you give them for something they truly wanted, even though you could have gotten it right, if they had just been honest and not set themselves up to look like a victim and you like an inconsiderate asshole. This all could have been avoided if they had just told you what they wanted, instead, now no one is happy and she is at the store driving the poor cashier crazy. Sigh!
The one cool thing I am enjoying the after holiday weekend is, free premium channels on cable. Catching up on my movie watching is relaxing after a long hard day of cleaning up the holiday mess. Also watching movies I haven’t seen in a long while is cool too. There is nothing more relaxing then giggling to myself watching Sean Connery in the Rock. That geriatric Ninja Connery will never be too old it seems, to kick major ass! I also got to watch Jerry McGuire with psychotic Scientologist Tom Cruise. If I never hear the quan again, I will probably live a much longer and happier life.
So in closing, enjoy your after holiday glow, enjoy the left overs cause they are the best part! Enjoy the silence in your home men, while the ladies are out shopping. Unless you are one of those poor guys that’s being used as a shopping bag tree at a mall. If you’re one of those guys sitting with other men on the rotunda couch in the middle of the mall, holding shopping bags. I am sorry, you chose her though, so deal with it. You should have been a strong enough personality and said no, or lied about having to do something else, anything else to spare yourself ignominy of being sat down like a mentally handicapped chimp.
Till next time, Have a great weekend folks!
Mark Anthony Ramirez
I have a few quick things on my mind today. I am wondering if Americans, if everyone prefers the lie? I know there is a fine line between fact or fiction, hell i was married once for goodness sake lol. I guess what I am wondering is, do you think fact is funnier than fiction? I tend to think the truth is funnier. Because we can all relate via the truth, no matter how dark that truth is, it can be very funny.
Do you prefer the lie? not to know the truth and be sold some Hollywood bullshit, a false image that you are comfortable with, that lets you go to bed at night thinking “awe they are so perfect, amazing, and I am just a loser piece of over worked, over taxed paying, dumb, ignorant shit. I mean, do you think the powers that be see you differently? Are you that naive? I would hope, and pray you are not. I tend to hope people are smarter than given credit for or, wish to seek out knowledge. Hmm, I will pray on that lol.
I will make this as brief as possible folks. I write, tell stories, and all my material comes from my life experiences and the world around me. I may be graphic at times, i may be raw but, do we not live life in the raw? The time of June Cleaver are over. Even I wish for simpler times, simpler ways, we now live in an over complicated world. It is funny though, we desperately all wish for simpler times, and are easily sold false innocence, false images and fall for the bullshit so easily.
Britney Spears is a perfect example of this. She was sold to America as a singer ( she can’t fucking sing!), dancer, and performer. She was sold to us as this wholesome down home, girl next door type, America fell for it, bought it to the tune of making her wealthy beyond imagination. Well, look at your golden girl now. She is a mess! She is the queen of mess, she may even lay in her own flop for all we know. We have seen Britney’s vagina (it was not very attractive) we have seen her be a horrible parent. She truly has proven to be one of the worst showings of so-called American talent ever but, because she is famous, we will protect her, idolize her, make excuses for her. Oh poor Britney she has it so hard! Umm, fuck Britney, I said it, I meant it!
Does Britney live in a roach infested city project? No that whore does not. Does Britney lack for money or the access to help? No! she does not! Yet, we feel sorry for poor Britney, umm fuck her and the cocks she has rode in on. Her sister gets pregnant, she is not even 18, aww, that poor family. This family that is supposed to exemplify American values, this girl next door type of family bullshit they sold you, was and is a lie! I guess that’s OK no family is perfect but, that’s the issue I am having. They sell us these perfect images, these lies and we buy them. Then when the person is human, makes mistakes, we try to cover them up or make excuses. Britney uses drugs, is an alcoholic, bad mother. It is a huge problem but, she is ultra famous and it is excusable. Yet, if you have a neighbor that lives, acts, and is the same way. I am sure she is the talk fo the town. Especially if she tries to cover up her whoring. drug addict ways.
I don’t hate Britney, I don not waste my time on hating anyone. What I do not like is how people can sit there and give me shit for being honest about my life on stage or here on my blog. My life is so repulsive? Umm I am an active farther, I have a child with Autism and I am active with that as well. I am an alcoholic in recovery. Which means I am sober, and work on being sober everyday, one day at a time. You see, I am a doer, I live my life the best I can. My best may vary from moment to moment but, that is life. No one makes excuses for me, nor do I make excuses for myself. I do not have millions yet, to cover up my mistakes, lies, or anything else I may screw up.
I am tired of people trying to sell a false image, even in my industry, people do that. Try to sell themselves as this harmless, wholesome, smart, caring persona. They tell us America loves safe, umm Every time you get out of bed you choose to become unsafe America, so grow up! All these safe people your buying ,secretly use all types of drugs, drink to excess, and are some of the filthiest people on earth! ( Excuse me, I just got an email from Michelle Obama awesome! cause she cares about me, personally I am sure. pssssh whatever) Now that is their personal business, but it too is the lie, the sham, the bamboozling of America. Even when i was drinking and doing things, I was honest about it, this is why I have said through the years give me the candidate that says ” Hey, look, I smoked pot, did some blow, drank a bit too much, boinked a bunch of easy chicks but, today I no longer do that.
Along the way through those adventures I educated myself, I learned how to balance a check book, a budget and be a better person through life experience. I like the raw honesty. Don’t give me or other Americans this soft sell, we are pure and good bullshit. I think we are all tired of this crap. Wouldn’t you like to know the person behind the mask? Ar you not tired of, the omg look at us we are so perfect and robotic. No one is perfect, no one is that simple, we are all in truth very complicated, multi-faceted individuals and if we were not, we would be one big fucking bore.
So cut the judgment bullshit America please. I got shit from a few people for retelling the story of how i lost my virginity yesterday. I also got a lot of laughs and great responses about how funny it was. Life is what it is, sometimes it is good, other times it can be bad but, having a sense of humor about it makes it better.
For example, at my dads funeral a few years back, as the Catholic Priest was breaking the bread and putting some in his mouth. My mom yells out ” save some for the rest of us selfish!” There was dead silence for a moment, but then everyone started laughing. Why? because it was funny, and though we were all in morning, we recognized how funny that was, and it added levity to an otherwise, dark, sad moment. Was I happy to be burying my farther? No, no fucking way. I miss my dad so much, even till this very day but, that shit was funny. When I look back at his funeral, a lot of funny things happened, which made me think back to other funerals I have attended. Though they are supposed to be somber moments, there is always something funny going on at funerals. People throwing themselves on the body making grandiose statements of love and devotion, yet everyone knowing this person is full of shit, that’s funny. The drunken family member that falls asleep snoring loudly, or falls because they are so drunk in the middle of talking to you. That too is very funny stuff.
Lighten up America, we are about to face the hardest years this country has seen in a very long time. If you do not have a sense of humor about it, a sense of humor about reality, about truth over the fiction you are being sold. Well you fucked and I feel very sorry for you. I also Feel sorry for those that think Barack Obama is the savior of our time. You are fooling yourself with that one. He is just a man, he will do his best but, guess what? the country is screwed right now. Though not beyond repair, in truth it will take time, give him time. Also he cannot fix it it all in 8 years, just like it took many administrations to fuck it up this bad, it will take a few to get us back on track.
This is the last unfunny blog on 2008. Later tonight or early tomorrow, I will bring you a MARK ANTHONY RAMIREZ CHRISTMAS STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY and it will be as raw, honest, and funnier that all hell! So be prepared to pee yourselves!
Till Next time
Mark Anthony Ramirez
How I lost my Virginity.
The year was 1983, the time was January, I never kept a journal of these things but I remember it was a cold saturday in January of 1983. I was 13, and 14 was rapidly approaching. I was still in grade school. I was attending a catholic school on the upper east side (St Hatefull of the bloody Sacrifice or something) . I was 6 feet tall, 215 pounds, had a shadow of a mustache, was kind of goofy (ok i was very fucking goofy.) I had too much hair and no hair style. I dressed for failure because, we were poor as sin, and my dad’s idea of buying me a pair of jeans was going to this place in Spanish Harlem were he could buy me a pair of fake Jordache Jeans for like $8.
I was the anti everything of attractive. If attractive were standing in front of you, I would have been the shadow on attractive’s backside lol. Not only was I not attractive, I was also a huge clutz and once fell over tying my shoes, as if gravity had tossed me about. Like, while tying my shoes I did a complete backward tumble, how? I will never know. Sadly to make matters worse, I had huge fucking hands! I mean huge fucking Gorilla paws for hands. If my hands were used to model anything, they would have been used to model that years latest strangler gloves, or serial killer weaponry. Just huge freaking Sasquatch paws! I had to still grow into my hands even at 6 feet, 215 pound. In grade school the girls all teased me and called me a monster and said I had hands like the missing link. That bad, sigh, lets not even get into the feet.
My dad would show me off at parties like some sort of side show freak, as If I were the elephant man. He would complain jokingly about, look at his feet! If he were normal sized he could wear his brothers hand me downs, but this kid is a giant! Look at those paws, do you know his hands are so heavy, that while tying his shoes they caused him to tumble over, it’ crazy I tell you. Feeding him, clothing him, we should just put him in cage lol. They would giggle and my dad would wink at me like, look Grape Ape get used to it. My dad was so proud that his little petite ass could make such a huge fucking kid. As if to say, look at what my gigantic sperm created. I may be small but I create big, he was so cute, what a dork lol.In the future I hope to post a pic so you all can see the size difference. Sigh my little family, they are all so short and, I am the only one who knew or could see what was on top of the refrigerator lol.
Back to me losing my virginity. So now that you have a pretty good idea of how much of a mess I was. Let me just say, this night was of legend, well to me. So it was a cold saturday afternoon in 1983, my brother was the man! He had a full head of hair (hehehe) he was short 5’7 but thin and very handsome. My brother was the ladies man! He was a DJ at parties and some small clubs all over the city. He was also drinking and probably using every substance known to man and the drug culture of 1983. H was master of the party, the lady killer, the panty thriller and he was engaged lol. he was never around much, spending most of his time with his friends or girl hanging out partying. This particular saturday his girls parents were away in Florida, and they were throwing a huge bash at her house. YAY! Her parents had a house in the Bronx and it was huge!
It was a three family house with a full basement, her brother and my brother wired the entire house for sound with huge 18 inch sub woofers and speakers of all sorts. This place probably was Americas first sound generated weapon. Anyways, I knew about the party, and my brother was a very private guy, but i pestered him about it all week long, and I offered my services as a slave all week too. "Come on bro, let me go, I can do all the heavy lifting, I can fetch stuff, i want to see all the hot girls." my brothers response all week was "No, get the fuck out of here leave me alone!" and his pother response was, "Please stop using my colognes! You don’t need any, though we did find you in a pile of garbage behind the hospital, you no longer smell so bad. So please leave my cologne alone!" Now mind you my brother was a bit O.C.D. with his possessions. He would know if you touched them because, he had everything perfectly placed at certain angles, that even an asian math wiz would not be able to calculate. If anything of his was moved he could tell, and he would precede to either scream at me, or try to beat me up. I was too huge to beat up, which he learned one faithful day the summer before. Though he cracked me over the head with a bat lol. Yeah we fought a lot! The day he hit me with a bat though, he learned a hard lesson about Gorilla children lol.
So, my brother out of the kindness of his heart asked my parents if I could go. They being tired of my dumb ass always being home, or of me coming home from work bored, sent me on my way with him on the the New York Subway system. Now if any of you have ever seen pictures of the New York Subway system of 1983, it was nasty! Graffiti every where, homeless people, syringes, crack heads, escaped mental patients, on every train car lol (there were no tourists at this time, nor any white people riding the trains past 125th street, unless they were looking for drugs lol). It was insanity and, I loved it. I mean come on, I was getting to go to a grown up party, no parents around, Ahh yeah, it was going to be crazy fun.
So when we arrived all my excitement hitting a high point, i was placed on garbage duty, and told to stay out of peoples way and to basically just hide myself. Sigh, i was just a huge embarrassment, and fodder for all their jokes for the first 5 hours or so. My brother was doing a kick ass job spinning records on the turn tables mixing up a storm, sneaking off to drink, and use whatever other substances were available. The house turned into a murky, dark, strobe lights everywhere, beat pounding smokey cesspool of lustful intent, it was like a scene out of the movie Clock Work Orange. I was getting a contact high, and sneaking drinks. It was a fun night because, after about 4 or 5 hours they left me alone to my own devices and I was up to no good. I was drinking beer at first, then Rum and Cokes. Smoked some weed for the first time. Umm I was high, drunk, and goofy! Not a good mix, then I saw her looking at me.
She was 5’3 at best, very pretty, awesome Latina body, think Jennifer Lopez, with slightly bigger breast, and omg, a set of the most beautiful lips i have ever seen. Her name was Rosa, and she was wearing (LOL.Sorry) and leopard print miniskirt, black knee high stockings, some sort of easy access low, breast revealing top. She was talking to my brothers, future brother in law at the time, she was asking him about me. He probably was giggling himself to death, inside as he brought her over to meet me. He introduced us and told her i was young, “Mark is only 16 ( in truth i was 13) Rosa so you can talk to him but no touching, he laughed.) Rosa laughed and said ” Why? I promise to not bite him”, they both laughed and and I giggled reportedly, why? cause that’s all I had to rely on was my big, doofy, goofiness, and my Lenny from Steinbeck’s of Mice and Men tard strength.
So Rosa is talking to me about stuff I can’t remember, and we are both drinking it up, smoking more pot, having fun, I have the social skills and lab rat, so I am basically just standing there smiling and being a dork. She on the other hand was asking me things like what high school do you go to, and I named one of the local catholic highs schools. She went on to tell me she was in her first year of college at one of the local community colleges, taking some courses and I probably said something like “oh cool, I hope to go to college one day” Anyways, she does something amazing, she starts leaning in on me more and more as we talk, and touching me here and there, and everywhere. I am I am getting higher, drunker, and just starting to float. I guess I started to feel like that line Body electric line from Walt Whitman. I was just ready to explode. You have to understand something, all the girls from my school treated me like a big ugly gorilla, they called me names, they said I was a monster, yet here i was about to be kissed by a hot girl, at a hot party, in 1983, listening to the hottest club music. I was in heaven!
So Danny, my brothers girlfriends, brother says to “Roasa, so you like Mark huh?”; Rosa smiles and looks up at me and says” oh yeah I like him alot.” he doesn’t say much, but he is cute, in a goofy cute kind of way” I was cool with that, I was goofy, I knew that, acceptance of my goofiness was the key in this situation, even my dumb ass knew that. At this point i was so high this chick could have had a penis and I would have been fine with it. She was hot and interested in me, I had no issues, she could have called me a cocked faced, ass munching, tit gremlin and I would have been fine with that too. So Danny said “well ya know Rosa, the rooms upstairs are empty so if it gets to loud for you guys and you need to be alone with Mark, you can always go up to my sisters room.” My jaw dropped, as soon as she said ” really? “Mark lets go upstairs and talk some more”, as she winked at me. I just nodded my huge Frankenstein head and off we went.
I will never ever forget the stair well was of a mahogany colored wood, that rich reddish wood that made me felt higher and drunker. I remember looking up at her ripe round ass and thinking it looked like the juiciest apple I had ever seen, wrapped tightly into a leopard print mini skirt. i was also so nervous, because though i had seen porn many times, though i have watched Al Goldsteins midnight blue a million times while up too late, while my parents slept and I jerked off in the living room hoping not to be caught. I had no clue what Rosa was up to, and I was clueless with girls, cause I had only been kissed once by a girl my friends used to refer to as CHUD! and even she said “Mark I kissed you cause I feel sorry for you”. YES, Even CHUD, made fun of me, sigh lol. BTW C.H.U.D. stood for Caroline Humberto Unclean Dweller, sad I know, she was a dirty ass, who had roaches in her fridge. Hence the moniker CHUD was born.
Now, Rosa and I sit on the bed, and she starts kissing me, with tongue! OMG! of course you can figure out what that did to a 13 year old boy, I had an erection that caused me to get dizzy! She noticed and giggled, she asked me if i was a virgin, I said " gulp uh huh” She laughed, asked me if i were nervous, and do I mind that she is not a virgin, all i remember is nodding my head no. We started making out, she said “ooooooo in a drunken moan of delight you have soft lips papi, and some animal instinct took over me and i picked her up and placed her further in the bed and got on top and started making out with her. Thank God for gorilla strength, I used it well, but i had no clue as to what the fuck i was doing after I picked her up. She took over and flipped me on my back, she was strong for a little thing. She got on top we made out some more, then to my surprise she stopped kissing me and i was like WTF? I mean we were making out dry humping, I was accepting my blue balls future, when she went down on me and started to give me head for the first time in my life!
Now, I do not know about other guys, but the first time my umm member entered her mouth, well it felt like a rainbow shot out of my ass and at the end was a pot of gold and a leprechaun! I was stunned, I laid back and was bewildered by this never, felt before sensation, till her drunk ass scraped the tip with her teeth but, I remained calm and didn’t flinch at all. Hell she could have bitten off the tip like in the movie the world according to Garp, and I would have still been quiet. I remember thinking OMFG! this is amazing my first blow job, i can’t wait till school on monday to tell everyone, hell, I might even get to school early and write it on the Black board and draw diagrams!
Rosa stripped my fake Jordache jeans off of me and then got on top, lift her skirt, pulled the panties to the side, and what happened next, can only be described as a thermonuclear explosion of confused young boy, and frightened, confused child. I can only remember this hot warm feeling come over my phallic warrior and, I was in absolute bliss, I was seeing all types of colors, and wondering if I needed to go to confession about this. She rode me like an equestrian champion, like Secretariat, like well I had no frame of reference she fucked me stupid. Then almost as quickly as it started it ended. Rosa had an orgasm, then passed out on top of me. We laid there for like 40 seconds, I had this goofy shit eating, confused grin on my face. I was like OMG did i just have sex? That was awesome!
Then it happened, Danny and some of his friends opened the door started laughing out loud and pointing, and Rosa popped her head up looked at them smiled, looked at me and got a weird look in her eyes, then puked all over my right shoulder and face, and fell face forward into her own vomit and passed out. Sigh, now i was under the impression that when a woman had an orgasm, she would throw up on me. What makes it worse, was the song playing loudly at the time was Chicago’s if you leave me now. As that played in the background, people laughing at my limp best friend slowly sliding out of Rosa drunken body, as she laid in her own puke, on my puke covered upper body, this magical tune played, and they laughed. I wanted to die, but what could I do. I rolled her gently up off of me, and laid her next to me, I picked myself up and took a shower, as they all said things like ” yeah boy, welcome to man hood, hope you didn’t get her pregnant, and i was like I didn’t even get to cum…. Sadly, I would not experience an orgasm via sex till I was 19 years old. How shitty is that? Six long years till I came, six years of whats wrong with me, and girls going oh you last a long time. YUCK!
In truth, I didn’t have sex with another girl till i was 17. Four more years of being rejected by every girl I liked or had a crush on. Sadly I was a romantic, and a huge, ugly Gorilla. Not a good mix, and all my friends were these short skinny dudes, while i was this huge guy. By the time I was 15, I was 6’3 and all my friends were like 5’9 at best. i stood out like a sore thumb, just a big dipshit. I never spoke much in public, I was too shy, I never smiled and I never looked a girl in the eyes. I was just a big awkward Gorilla, and I had no game. I once asked a girl to dance at a high school dance and she just laughed in my face and said no. I was hurt, but then i watched her fall flat on her face cause she was drunk lol. I spent most of my teen age years, playing sports, playing dungeons and dragons with my geek friends. Jerking off as much as I could, hell I whacked off so much you would have thought i was in training for a masturbation world tournament. I would have came out in a American flag robe, lube in one hand, a special speed enhancing glove on the other hand, made of some exotic wind resistant material. I will say this, i was a big doofy awkward kid, but now when I show women pics of my teenage years they want to sit there and tell me how hot I was, WTF. sigh.
Well that was my “How I lost my Virginity story”. YUCK I’m such a dork!
TILL NEXT TIME.
M.A.R.
below are pics, lets call them the progression of me, through my teen years. YUCK! and some pics of the NYC Trains I grew up with.
This is me at 13 with my pitbull king
This is me at 14 at my grade school graduation from St hatefulls lol
me at 16 with my aunt Aida.
me at 17 camping. stop staring at my crotch! GEZUS perverts
me at 18. umm i don't know what I was thinking.
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Random Friday Thoughts
It’s friday! YAY, the snow is supposedly coming, which we all know, weather folks predictions are about as reliable as that uncle who drinks too much and ruins the holidays. Friday is here ladies and gents, and not just any friday but, the friday before Christmas! I am very happy for everyone that is getting ready to celebrate Christmas with their loved ones, it is truly a magical time. I’m excited for you all, for my kids, for my friends, fans, and associates. I can’t wait to hear all about the gift you all get this year. From the ones you actually wanted, to the ones you hope that you can return lol. My favorite ones, are the ones people get in front of everyone in the family, and they look at, and put on a fake smile about lol. “oh hey yeah, umm thanks this is great, a necktie that lights up and says asshole, umm yeah thank you, I can’t wait to wear it to work.”
I am so happy for those of you that are going home to loved ones you haven’t seen in a while, just to be reminded, why you moved so far away lol. Mostly I am happy for Christmas’s past, the ones that were amazing, and that I will always be thankful for. I am thankful for the spirit which is Christmas, the energy, the vibe, that palpable feeling, it is almost as if it engulfs you, with the joy of giving. It is so wonderful to see someones eyes light up when you give them a gift they wanted. A gift that maybe you got lucky and got the best one, the upgrade, the gift that blows them away. They are so happy and it fills you both with joy. So enjoy your Christmas folks, and remember to enjoy being surrounded by your loved ones. You never know when you can lose them, or everyone you love, you never know when everyone you have, when everything you have, can be taken from you. So live it to the fullest, those memories may some day be all you have so, build great memories this Holiday season, and don’t forget to tell the people you love, that you love them, even if they annoy the shit out of you.
President Bush:
Sadly, Mr. Bush seems to be taking his final swings at the American people as he slithers out the door. In the last week he has had shoes thrown at him and, his buddies and he, are trying to give a big fuck you holiday finger to the Big three Auto makers. It is funny that they call them the Big three automakers. At least they hire more average Americans than these wall street firms and banks that were allowed to rob the country blind for 8 years of the Bush tyranny. His arrogance this past week has been appalling. Yesterday on television he said ” I did not make many mistakes” Hmm wow really, pushing for deregulation of the stock market which allowed for its manipulation, and for his cohorts to get rich while robbing from the public. Nice, work there George, and so George here is my Holiday wish for you.
I hope while you are coming down the stairs on Christmas day, you slip and fall, not from the top stair, because i want you to live, but from halfway up. I want you to bust you ass, break a hip, and when you hit the final stair with the back of your head, you look up and to the left and one of you daughters is blowing a black secret service agent, while the other is tossing his salad. All the while your wife is dressed as a skanky Mrs Santa Claus, getting banged in her ass by a racially mixed guy that sort of looks like Barack Obama, with a huge penis, smiling at you while he screams out ” HO HO HO Merry Christmas!” Why? because you and your family should be fucked, like you and your friends fucked America, that’s why.
You are by far, the president that took a great opportunity and shat all upon it with great glee, and your the president that deserves a golden shower of pee on your face! I wish you could be defiled, like you defiled this great Nation of ours. My greatest wish would, be that one of your financial friends robs you and your family of all its wealth after your fall down the stairs, this way you can learn what it is like to live without for once in your privileged life. So in your last Christmas in the white house, I wish for you to shut you fucking selfish, retarded hand puppet president mouth.
Also has anyone seen or heard from Dick Cheney lately? Do you know why? Because Dick, his bionic heart, and all his minions have been quietly finding ways to hide all that they stole during these last 8 shameful years. He is somewhere giggling himself to death, we can only hope. Dick Cheney is probably somewhere in hell shaking hands with Osama Bin Laden, and satan, giggling, roasting marshmallows over what used to be the soul of America. So, Fuck you Dick and George! Don’t let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya!
Question & Answer Session:
It was brought to my attention recently that, I should write a Q & A blog so that I can interact with the readers of my blog. So I am calling out to all of you, umm however many of you there may be, to reach out to me and ask me all sorts of questions. I will even give you guys a short list of some of my areas of expertise for you to choose from. I will answer any and all questions, thoughts and requests. Also I will be giving away tickets to upcoming shows, sending out autographed Photo Requests and also autographing my new t-shirts too. Here goes the list of topics i seem to have a handle on. Comedy, relationships, parenting, politics, pets, sex (which belongs first but I must remain humble), all sports, decision making, the elderly, science, midget tossing, advanced alien technology, philosophy, perfect gift ideas, family, what television shows to watch, celebrities, and much, much, more. So ask away America, I am here to help you!
Upcoming Blogs:
Your faithful comedian, writer, blogger, is looking forward to the future and will be peering into his magical sober crystal ball. I will be giving you all my predictions for 2009 in the upcoming days. I will give predictions on things such as Barack’s first 100 days in office, who will win the super bowl, who will win the World Series, what will become of the Bush twins, and much, much, more. So Stay tuned, the best is yet to come. also will be the high lights of 2008! My short list, trust me it will be very short.
Holiday Cartoon from Mark Anthony Ramirez…ENJOY!
People have a very bad habit of walking up to someone who is walking their dog, and getting all in the dogs face. Now though this may appear friendly, it is quiet often, I’m sure an annoyance. I cannot recall how many times I would be walking my dog Petey and some person, usually a woman, comes prancing over. AWE! look at him, he is adorable, Omg, can I pet him? blah blah fucking blah. Now, Petey was, and I am pretty sure, still is a ham. He would do tricks, and roll over and be cute but, this is not always so. Today, as I was traveling around, I noticed this trend, I also noticed someone almost get their face bit! lol.
You should be able to tell by the owners face, reactions, and obvious warnings if their dog or pet is approachable. All this Awe! bullshit is going to do is get you bit. Now, there are no victims here, just volunteers lol. If anything the poor dog is the victim. You come awing your annoying self into this poor animals life. This dog is just looking to take a shit, maybe stretch it’s legs and go back home to bed. Here you come along being loud, obnoxious and probably smelling of some shitty Duane Reade perfume you bought for $5. That stuff stinks, and the smell is a million times worse for the now freaked out dog. You get all in it’s face with your warrior make up, or your bratty ass kids want to start hugging it, humping it, tossing it around, and you sit and wonder why you got bit. ARGH!
Usually though, the dog in question is quite accommodating, like a little furry movie star. Dogs seem to know their purpose is to protect and entertain. Some dogs though only know how to protect. So if you are some unfamiliar face popping up and getting in their way, well you are annoying the fuck out of them. I saw this woman walking with a Pitbull and, some other young dumb young lady was rapidly approaching, and she practically pounced on the unsuspecting dog and owner. Now, this sad excuse got lucky an the dog was happy to play and be courteous for a few mins but , it was the owner who was like, ” please do not get him too riled up” to which the girl did any way. Which I think is fucked up, now this girl has this over hyper dog and the moron that got him all riled up goes out to drink apple martinis and, break some poor fools heart, or cry over how her daddy never let her have a puppy.
The other event that took place today during my, I am paying attention to dog owners day, because i miss my own dog very much, was the opposite response dog. OH BOY! Yet again a young woman is walking a German Sheppard, they are minding their own business when some moron goes “awe” get in his face and this time the dog freaked out! YAY! The dog barked and snapped at this moron, and of course the owner yanks the dog back, meanwhile the supposed victim fell backwards and hit the concrete very hard. I laughed, but the moron starts yelling at the young woman. That dog is dangerous, I am calling the ASPCA on you, blah blah blah. Umm, did that dog as for your bad breathe ass to be all in his face? No, he too was out for a walk minding his own business trying to find a place to relieve himself. No this dumb ass gets in his face and volunteers to be bitten.
The other thing i saw was, as this dog owner was approaching this group of people, who were in awe phase, she pulled the dog back and, warned them, and asked them to please pass. Now, mind you this dog had a muzzle on, which indicates it likes to snap at people but, did it stop this group of self involved me first, we wont ever own a pet or have a child, because it takes time away from us being ourselves, douche bags. No it did not stop these annoying douches from walking right up to the dog, of course one of them saying, ” Dogs love me and I love dogs” Umm this dog lost it’s shit! and yanked it self free form the owner and put this Dr Doolittle moron on his back, he had him pinned on the cold street with all four paws, growling, drooling, and staring him in the face. The guy peed himself, I giggled, the owner corralled their dog, and I went on my merry way, with a spiritual hahaha fuck you buddy, you got what you deserve erection! Spiritual erections rule, they are the “hahaha we win boner of joy”, that can only happen in a spiritual way.
Let us move quickly to cats. Why cats? because these little psycho, emotional wrecks, whom I do love for all their independent ways, are very dangerous. A cat, is a sneaky bastard, and I love that so much about them. Cat’s will only mildly entertain you for their own benefit. Once a cat is done with you, it will move along it’s merry cat way. I love the feline personality, it can be very loving, but it can be very selfish, and is most like human adults in that way. A cat is kind of like that guy that buys his wife the filthiest sex outfit from Victoria secrets and tells her that bullshit “oh hunny look what I bought for you” When in truth it is all about him, his wants and desires. That’s a cat in a nutshell, they will purr, cuddle up, and play with balls of yarn, just to keep us thoroughly entertained, as to gain our favor, once they get what they want, they turn that stinky little brown eye cat ass in your direction and walk away. As if to say, “suck my filthy little cat asshole but, thank you for the treats, I deserve it, I was cute for 4 mins today, you mindless hairless ape”! Please remember one thing about cats, they own you, you do not own them.
A cat, will out of nowhere scratch the shit out of you, if you do not understand what it wants, or what it’s desire in that moment is, you could lose an eyeball. Yet again, these poor house pets are just trying to be themselves, when some unsuspecting moron that comes for a visit will say. ” awe you have a wittle little titty tat, which for some reason, cats sense means, yeah fucker come closer so i can scratch your eyeball out! Cats are very to themselves most time, yet very curious. I have had many affectionate cats but, only after they get to know you. They have to know you and like you. I have known many a person with a bad relationship with their cats. Cats do not like their owners much and they let them know it. Cats are just like that, I find it endearing, in other countries they eat them. Whatever, so anyway, a new person in your home, which in truth is your cats home, you just do all the work and pay the bills.
A cat does, take possession of the home it lives in. Go the fridge in someones house that owns a cat, and look up and the cat is lounging on top of the fridge like um, something in there you want buddy? better not be the tuna I will fuck you up! My favorite thing to see is, someone with the balls to just reach out and grab your cat or, as I call it,” Get the band aids and peroxide ready, morons got a boo boo”. Why don’t people ever learn? Why are people so dumb? Why? Why? Why?
Here is the simplest tip I can give you about meeting someones pet. Let them smell the back of your hand, if that pet stays near or rubs against you, give it a gentle pet. Don’t pick it up, it does not know you well enough to trust, you won’t drop them on their little heads. I hate when people assume that if a cat rubs against you, it wants you to pick it up and zerbert its belly. Cats rub up against everything, and everyone, it doesn’t mean it likes you, it is just using you for its own guilty pleasure. Think of it this way, remember how good it feels on a cold day to just wrap yourself up in your warm down comforter and snuggle into the bed? Now, imagine in the middle of snuggling down deeper into your bed someone one surprises you an grabs you. Yeah! I know, I would fuck that person up too! So there is your answer about cats and even most dogs. Nine times out of ten a pet owner warns you about their animals personality traits, please take heed, do not volunteer yourself to be the next victim. Why? cause the rest of us will laugh as you tell your sad story, while sitting their drinking a vanilla latte, wonderfully adorned in your new pirate eye patch.
Be well all and leave the fucking animals alone!
President Bush almost got hit with not one but two shoes, that were thrown at him by a Journalist. First off that journalist threw like a girl! What fag you had him right there and you missed what a fag! If that journalist would have been a Dominican kid from San Pedro de Macorís! Bush would have been hit right between the eyes! A Dominican kid can throw a shoe like 90mph and accurately kill flies from like 120 feet! Why couldn’t that Journalist been a Dominican or even a Puerto Rican shortstop baseball prospect? No, what do we get, a stupid ass weak armed journalist, who tired to assassinate the worst outgoing president in US history with a pair of fucking shoes! Sadly, you know somewhere in America, a gay man saw this and asked, where those loafers? I think those were loafers? and CNN will do a whole report featuring a gay reporter they only use for these types of questions. This is Jack Cafferty here live with you, and as many Americans have been wondering what type of shoes did the president dodge? We have our fashion correspondent, Philly Phill Flammable here to tell us. Well, Jack, we believe it was a loafer, which should have made the shoes more aerodynamic, and more conducive to actually hitting the president, but sadly that journalist throws like a bitch! back to you Jack! Here is video
Now, I would never wish harm to our President but, damn this fuck deserves at least a black eye and a kick in the nuts. For his 8 years of ignorance! Now this moron shoe throwing dork, will be a hero to all the middle eastern people! Sigh, he should have a hand cut off for missing! That is all I have to say about that!
I am done folks I don’t have anything else for you guys today. I love you all and I there will be an additional blog later today with some awesome goodies for my fans.
What ever happened to Saturday Morning Cartoons?
Tags: Batman, bugs Bunny, Cartoons, Comedy, Commentary, Kids, Mark Anthony Ramirez, Popeye, Saturday Morning Cartoons, Spiderman, Super Friends, The Jetsons, The Smurfs, Thundar the Barbarian, Thundercats, Tom and Jerry, Woody Wood Pecker, Yogi Bear
I fell asleep early last night, I’d say around 11pm, so sadly now I’ve been up since about 5am, pondering my Saturday blog. When it struck me to possibly turn on the television and maybe see what Saturday morning cartoons I could watch as the morning passes me by. Sadly the listings for the upcoming cartoons read like a who’s. who of nothing I have ever heard of before. Growing up, saturday morning cartoons were a tradition of almost epic proportions. I remember in grade school we would even discuss our Saturday morning cartoon viewing. If a new show was on, if we thought it sucked or not. We would discuss how much we loved Bugs Bunny, Woody Wood Pecker, Tom & Jerry, Heckle & Jeckyl, Mighty Mouse, Under Dog the classics.
Sadly today’s cartoons seem so serious and dark. Gone are the tom foolery, silly antics of Bugs Bunny in a dress, or Woody just annoying the ever living hell out of someone. Gone are Heckle & Jeckyl mentally abusing the innocent. All replaced with either cartoon characters so wholesome they border on the insane. Some cartoons are all about image over substance, kind of like a young Britney Spears, NSync, New Kids on the Block, and so many more false images sold to the American public, of all that’s supposedly good and innocent. Then there are the dark adult themed cartoons, I can’t even get into those. Bugs Bunny was very adult themed but, it was done in such a childish, creative manner it was suitable for children. All the old Warner brother cartoons were just insane, often weird, views of the times but, they remain timeless.
So I decided to post a blog featuring a top 10 to whatever I remember, list of my favorite cartoons growing up. So here goes. They are in order of random memory and not which is my all time favorite. Just a random, not organized into a top list of the greatest cartoons ever. That is not for me to decide, but these are some of my favorite cartoons.
1) Bugs Bunny: Just brilliant!
2) Tom & Jerry: the original episodes & the Chuck Jones era are amazing!
3) Heckly & Jeckyl: These two Crow bastards were hilarious.
4)Woody Wood Pecker: He could get on my nerves but, I enjoyed him. His original series episodes were his best work.
5) Pop Eye: What can I say? This semi homo erotic Sailor was funny, tough, got the girl (Olive Oil, whom was built like a 12 year old boy) and whupped a big fat hairy bullies ass all the time. Also Who could forget Alice the goon? She was uncommunicative, had a huge crush on popeye and probably was better suited to mate with a Polar bear.
6) Thundar the Barbarian: This dude just kicked ass, was followed around by a hot sorceress, and Ukla the Mok, who was alot like Chewbacha from Star Wars, whats not to love. He was from the Future but dressed like a caveman warrior.
7)Yogi Bear: the original older ones were great.
8.) Though the Animation and story lines were terrible. Who can hate the Super friends.
9) Thunder Cats: though more of a daily staple, the thunder cats were awesome.
10) Though short lived for some dumb reason. The Mighty ORBOTS were an amazingly beautiful cartoon and a lot of fun to watch.
11) All Star Blazers (Spaceship Yomato in Japan) This was an amazing cartoon from Japan)
12) Captain Harlock another old Japanese Cartoon I was forced to watch mostly in spanish, because the english speaking networks were not into anime at the time.
12) the Smurfs: I do not know why but, I had a serious, smurf addiction for a year. I was just addicted to the Smurfs, I will never try to figure that one out.
13) Batman the animated series (the First run) Why? because it was done very dark and in the style of the old original Superman serials, which were beautifully done by the Fleischer studios.
14) The Herculoids: I would be remiss not to mention them.
15) The Jetsons: Loved the Jetsons, who could forget the episode with Knucles Nuclear, and his freeze gun.
16) Scooby Doo: who doesn’t love Scooby, it is impossible to no tlove him.
17) Dungeons & Dragons: this take on the popular geek adventure game, which includes myself and Vin Diesel as players. Was not great but entertaining.
18) Spiderman and his Amazing friends: Who doesn’t love Spidey? & The original Spidey series from the 60′s
19) He-man: why? because he was Americas first truly out of the closet gay super hero. He-man was so obviously gay, even us kids knew. We would look at our friends gay uncle, and then look at HE-Man and know, they were one in the same. Awesome.
20) Now this is going way back, in truth not many people will remember this show. It was not so much a cartoon but, they did show cartoons. I have always had a fond place for this show in my heart and it has never left me. I present to you my number 20, Kukla, Fran & Ollie here is a website dedicated to this show. http://kukla.tv/
21) Now here are a short list all wrapped up into number 21. A list of shows I remember I found curious but not deserving to be given their own number. Davie & Goliath (Christianity thrown at you with stop animation) The Thunderbirds (The Puppet version), Kroft SuperStars (think l.s.d., pot smoking, Mesculine tab taking, Mushroom ingesting, alcoholism on crack!), Penelope Pit stop, and finally Fat Albert. I used to love Fat Albert but, when they made it into a live action movie they killed the magic, with bad acting and a terrible script. Bill Cosby should have stabbed someone. I will say ,when the bad taste of the Fat Albert movie leaves my system, I will put Fat Albert up on my list where it deserves to me.
I do have to say this, I think maybe these older cartoons are banished because some of them covered out dated themes or ideas but, in truth they are timeless and should be aired so children today can see what were the themes of the past. They should be taught that we have made huge strides in certain areas of society. I also think censorship has reached an outlandish level in our country and though we seem to be open minded about things, we sadly still are a close minded society, that is fear based, and sadly passes it on from one generation to the next.
To me there was no greater feeling than waking up on a saturday, filling a bowl with cereal, sneaking into the living room wrapped up in a warm blanket and sitting on the floor to eat my cereal and watch cartoons. It was awesome, sometimes, what made it even better was when my dad would wake up first, make breakfast, and then sit down in the living room on the floor and watch them with me. My dad was the one who passed on to me my love of cartoons. He would tell me about a time when he had to go to the saturday matinee at the local movie theater, which in his time was an all day movie, cartoon, serials event. For about a quarter they would get two movies, 5 cartoons, 5 serials like Flash Gordon, Superman etc and also be able to afford food, all on a quarter. Hmm thanks dad! For sharing I love you and I miss you!
I’m out but since it is Saturday, there will be an afternoon blog today folks. YAY! Also I would love to see your list of favorite cartoons in my comments. So please comment back.
Peace & Love
M.A.R.